


Life Over Death

by idiedthedayirealizedidied



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, If there are puns, Tagged Mature for that, Trigger warning for suicide, do share in the comments, if you have suggestions for where one should go (made by papyrus), they they are few and far between because I suck at them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:51:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idiedthedayirealizedidied/pseuds/idiedthedayirealizedidied
Summary: It never hurts to try when everything goes wrong, and you're just not strong enough to fight back.THINGSummary will change as I try and figure out what'll make the most sense for this as it goes.





	1. Life and Death

I stood on the edge of the bridge. Looking out over the water, and loosely gripping the railing behind me.  
Yea. I'm on the outside of the bridge, hanging on only by the strange stagnant tranquility of the night, and the river below. It really is a beautiful night. There's a power outage, and no light pollution, so the stars are easy to see, and they, along with the moon, reflect onto the water below me. It's so calm.  
What if I broke it? It would be so easy to just let go.  
So I do.  
I lean forward, and let go of the railing, and fell off the bridge and into the frigid water below. 

Dying, it's like a remedy.  
Or a poison.  
Two sides of the same coin.  
Poison to the one dying, and a remedy to the rest of the world.  
Someone dies in war, a thousand people are saved. Someone dies from an overdose, from drowning, from getting shot, lots of people make money. Someone dies, someone else's problems are solved. Someone dies, their own problems are solved.  
But it can also be just a complete poison. Someone dies, and someone else falls into a depression because of it. Someone dies, and someone else's lover doesn't come home for Christmas. Or someone tries to die, and then realizes they don't want to and can't reverse it.  
That's not me. There's nothing in me that will change it's mind about what I'm doing. I can't think of anyone my death will severely impact. They'll move on.

I'm drowning, and I don't mind.  
The light of the moon begins to fade as I sink further, get pushed down by the water. The moon and the stars fade away, and I close my eyes and exhale whatever breath I'd had left, and the water rushes in. This was fine. 

**~~~~~~~**

I opened my eyes to a very peculiar scene. Two people were in front of me on some sort of dais. They looked quite the opposite of each other. One was dressed in spring time clothing; a yellow tank top with loose jean shorts and sandals. He looked tall, from where he was laying on the floor of the dais, he was also fairly skinny and tan. He had blond hair, and his eyes were hidden behind a book that seemed to have been written in Latin. His head was in the other man's lap.  
The other male was dressed as though he were in mourning, or just being extremely lazy and liking the color black. He had a black shirt on with black sweats and a pair of extremely old vans. He had olive skin, a mess of jet black hair that barely went past his ears. He seemed to be a bit shorter than the brightly colored one, and looked to have a bit more muscle. His eyes were also hidden, behind his eyelids. He wasn't actually doing anything.  
The two of them seemed to be fairly nice and at ease. I didn't want to break the tranquillity, so I didn't. I looked at the room we were in. The dais was at the back of the room, there were two thrones on it. At least, you think they should be thrones, they're really just chairs you'd find at someone's dinner table. The chairs are closer to the back wall than the two men are. There is a very large door behind me -- across from the dais. The ceiling was a good 20 feet above me, and had lots of intricate illustrations about life and death and balance. Along the walls were windows and in between the windows, pillars built into the walls. Everything was colored in a vast array of greens and blues and reds and oranges. Cold, and warm colors, and complementaries, I noted. The floor was really just a bunch of rugs thrown around on top of old tile.  
I though it was strange how there's elements of history, and the present day in this room. Where exactly is this too.  
I looked back at the two men, and cleared my throat. "Uhm excuse me, I do believe I'm supposed to be dead."  
The two men jerked into sitting positions from where they'd laid. The man in color stared at me, almost as if he couldn't believe I was here. The man in black stared at me like I shouldn't be here.  
The man in color got up from where he'd been sitting after marking his place. "Miss Gremil, what are you doing here?" He asked as he came forward. The man in black nodded his head in agreement as he stared at a piece of... was that parchment? It had to be. Said parchment had also appeared out of thin air. "Yes... You're not supposed to be here for a good long while. What happened? You have a heart attack or something?" He looked up from the paper, and frowned at me.  
I frowned back, "I'm sorry but... Do I know you guys?"  
The man in black snorted while the one in color chuckled. "Oh why of course not Miss Gremil, but we know you."  
"That sounds a bit creepy..." I said, looking at them strangely.  
The man in black chuckled. "Indeed, but does anyone know Life and Death? You can probably figure out which one of us is which, you're not colorblind after all." Death grinned at you.  
"So I'm dead then?" Mission accomplished I guess.  
"Kind of." Life said, coming up next to me and putting his hand on my shoulder. "Sweetheart, what happened?" He didn't seem to know I'd killed myself.  
I was about to respond when Death cut me off after flipping his paper over "Y'know Life. This is exactly why I think we should keep a better eye on people. She tried to drown herself." Life spun around towards him, and went over and took the paper. "What? Why would she do that?"  
I sighed. "If you know me, you should know why. Isn't it somewhere on that fancy sheet of paper you got there?"  
Death snorted. "It probably is, but the print is like, point 6 or something tiny like that."  
"Okay... Then am I dead?"  
Life jerked his head up at me from the paper. "NO!!! You're not allowed to be dead! A: it's not your time, and B: someone is currently trying to save your life. Now either you turn around and walk out of that door, and back to your life, or I, Life, will physically pick you up and throw you out that door myself!" He was out of breath by the time he finished, and he was standing right in front of me too. I slowly nodded and started backing away towards the door.  
Death watched on with an approving smile. Then he blinked. "Oh! Wait! I almost forgot!" I stopped as he got up and came to me, handing me a rolled up sheet of paper. "Put that in your pocket, don't open it till you're alone. And you won't remember any of this, but you'll know when to open it." I nodded, and put the piece of paper in my jacket pocket. Then I turned around and continued walking to the door.  
I reached the door, and hesitated. I tried to die for a reason. Why wouldn't they let me? I turned around to ask them, but the door swung itself open and I was pulled through. 

**~~~~~~~**

I coughed water out of my lungs, and whoever had been doing CPR on me pulled there hands away. My head hurt and my brain felt like it was in a cloud of cotton. I tried to take deep breaths, but only ended up hacking up more water.  
"Hey, you alright there human?" A laid back voice asked. I rolled onto my back and tried to breath some more, it worked this time.  
I opened my eyes and was surprised to find a skeleton and a lizard staring down at me. The question registered in my mind and I snorted. "Nope. But looks like nothing really changed, and I'm still alive." I shakily got to my feet and nodded at the two of them. "Thank you two for spoiling my attempt at death, have a good evening." I turned and started walking away. The same laid back voice that had asked the first question, stopped me. "I don't think you should be on your own buddy, you did just try to kill yourself after all."  
"Yea, he's got a point." The other one responded. "Why don't you come with us? We were on our way to his house for a movie night, why don't you join us?"  
I stood there for a minute and sighed. "Seeing as I've seen this happen a lot in fanfiction and movies, I'm guessing you're not gonna let me go alone. So sure-" I turned around to look at the two monsters- "I'll tag along."  
The lizard grinned. "Great! Let's go!" They said, and walked up to me, slung there arm around my shoulders and started walking away from the edge of the river. "C'mon Stretch! Berry'll be mad if you're late!" They said over their shoulder.  
"I'm Alphys by the way." She turned to me. She had a scar over her left eye, it was interesting. She led me away as the skeleton, Stretch, chuckled and said he was coming.  
"Reggie. Nice to meet you Alphys." I said with a grin. Maybe it's a good thing she's got an arm around me.... I'm starting to feel exhausted.


	2. Reason why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I went home after breakfast.

The walk to Stretch's house was exhausting. I'm beginning to regret agreeing. My house was closer, I could've just walked home and gone to bed. Obviously, they didn't let me. Which is the exact reason why a large fluffy goat monster is offering me hot chocolate, and why I'm sitting in a recliner accepting said hot chocolate.   
Alphys had introduced me to everyone present. First, there was the yellow lizard's girlfriend, a blue fish with red hair and a shy demeanor and a stutter. Then there was the big fluffy goat monster who gave me the hot chocolate. His name was Asgore and I felt very foolish because he was like the king of monsters or whatever. I didn't say anything about it though. After him was the short bubbly energetic blue skeleton that I'm pretty sure is Stretch's brother. He calls himself the Magnificent Sans, but everyone else calls him Berry. Last was the only other human there. Their name is Chara, and they seem to be a bit more subdued than Berry on the bubbly over-energetic scale. Stretch seemed a bit wary of them, but I don't need to know why, they can keep it personal... though someday I might be curious enough to ask, but that'll be a long time coming.   
Anyways! Back to the situation at hand. Er... not at this precise moment. Apparently Chara has their own room here and has been kind enough to lend me a set of pajamas since I decided to take a swim less than an hour ago. We were about the same size shirt, shorts were a bit tight on the waist but they were comfortable.   
Okay now to the situation at hand. Undyne and Berry were trying to figure out what movie to watch. Alphys was somewhere doing something, as was Chara. Stretch was on the couch watching the fish and skeleton argue with a laid back grin. Asgore was in the kitchen getting snacks, and I'm sitting in a recliner drinking hot coco watching everything because I don't know what else to do. 

Asgore came out with snacks as Berry won the argument over movie selection. Apparently "Lilo and Stitch" was the one he chose. Alphys and Chara appeared, and everyone got settled into their spots. The movie was started after blankets were passed out.   
I felt my phone vibrate against my side as I got comfortable. Ignoring it, I turned my attention to the movie. 

**~~~~~~~~~**

I didn't make it through the movie before falling asleep in the recliner. Later, I was awoken by the smell of ham. And I was not in the recliner....  
Instead of the recliner, I was in what was probably their guest room. The walls were white, and there was a framed painting on the left wall, opposite the right which had a window. There was a dresser under the painting, a desk in front of the window. The bed was in the middle of the wall separating the two, opposite the one with the door which was about two feet to the right of off center. The bed itself was a queen with striped flannel sheets, a plush red violet comforter, about four pillows. There was a nightstand next to the bed, my phone was there. The bed was warm and comfortable, and if I weren't intruding in someone else's house, I might've stayed in bed. As it happened, I was in someone else's house, whom I'd only met last night after jumping- falling, off a bridge. I needed to find my clothes and get going.   
I got up and out of the very comfortable bed and shivered. The room had a bit of a draft. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and shoved it in my waistband, ignoring the blinking light that indicated new messages. I left quietly left the room.   
There was a hallway, the room I'd just been in was at the end of it, next to the bathroom. Across from the bathroom was a door with a bunch of WARNING tape on it. Across from the one I'd been in was a plain door.   
I went down the hall and to the stairs next to the WARNING door, then downstairs, where the smell of ham, eggs, cheese, and bacon filled the air. Stretch was snoozing on the couch, somehow immune to the noises coming from kitchen.   
I headed to the kitchen and peaked in. Berry, Alphys, and Asgore were all cooking... or at least Asgore was. I don't know what Berry and Alphys are doing. Chara was pretty much asleep at the table, and Undyne was reading a pretty thick looking book. As I was about to walk in, it dawned on me that they might've put my clothes on the dresser.   
With that thought in mind, I turned around and quietly ran back to the stairs, and up there, only pausing for a second when I saw Stretch's socket open and his head turn towards me. I saw the eyelight move up and down my form, and I felt my cheeks heat a bit before I continued up the stairs. He's definitely someone I'll have to be careful with. Wouldn't want to make that type of mistake when I'm trying to fix the last one.   
I went into the bedroom and looked around again. Desk, clear. Nightstand, clear. Bed, clear. Dresser, top was clear, what about the drawers? Empty. Dammit. I sighed and turned away from the dresser to head back out into the hallway and down the stairs.   
I was startled to find the Stretch was standing in the doorway. "Sorry, should've knocked. Didn't mean to rattle your bones." He said with a grin. "I believe you were looking for these?" He held up the clothes in his hand, my clothes. I nodded.   
"Yes. Those are mine. Can I have them back please?" I stepped forward and extended my hand for them. His grin grew just a tiny bit.   
"Maybe if you'll tell me why someone like you would decide to go for a swim at 11 at night when there was hardly a chance anybody was around, and hardly a chance anyone would have seen you." His grin was gone by the time he finished. He was serious, though looked just the slightest bit uncaring. I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest.   
"That has nothing to do with you, and seeing as I hardly know you, I'm not going to tell you." I said after a small sigh. He nodded.   
"Alright, fair enough, your life, your business." He handed me my clothes. "Though, I do have one request." He looked over his shoulder on his way out the door. "Stay for breakfast. It'd be rather rude to leave without saying good bye, and when there's free food." He closed the door behind him, and I heard his footsteps echo down the hallway.   
I changed into the clothes I'd been in yesterday: a pastel pink tank top under a see through white billowy shirt that had the _Treasure Island_ ship on it, with a pair of blue jean shorts, purple socks, and tennis shoes. It was about the middle of spring, so it was appropriate. Then I walked out of the room and back down the hallway and stairs. 

**~~~~~~~~~**

The food was good, and I'd left on good terms. Good. No one was openly worried. Stretch or Alphys probably told them why they brought a drenched stranger home. Which, all things considered, was probably for the best. I don't know.   
Anyways, I'm walking home now. I'd managed to convince them that I don't need a ride, my house is close enough. In fact, I'm walking up the drive way now, 15 minutes after I left the skeleton's place. I quietly opened up the door and shut it behind me as I went in.   
There was the persistent noise of a pen being clicked. It was the only sound. The only light not coming through a window was in the dining room. I quietly walked through the living room, and towards the dining room entrance.   
My boyfriend Ash sat at the table, still in his work scrubs from yesterday. He was clicking his pen, one of his anxious habits. His head was in the hand not clicking the pen and his phone was in front of him. Everything felt so... sad... so gray. I wrapped my arms around myself, to try and offer some semblance of comfort to myself.   
I cleared my throat just a tiny bit. "H-hey... I'll... I'll be out by Tuesday if you want..." I said quietly. His head immediately shot up from his hand, his eyes widening in shock, and tearing up from worry. He stood up from his chair, and it almost fell over from the speed. He came around the table towards me, speaking most the entire time since his eyes met mine.   
"Reggie. Regina. Babe. Sweetheart, I'm sorry. No that's not what I want, please don't go. I didn't mean what I said last night." He wrapped me in a hug before stepping back to look at me. I looked down at the floor, he squeezed my shoulders. "Babe, what happened last night was entirely my fault and I shouldn't have said any of what I did."   
My eyes began to sting from unshod tears. "With anger comes the truth. You were angry, and what you said was what you felt."   
"No, no babe no it's not. I'd never want you to do that. You're the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing person I've ever met and I'm so lucky to have you as mine." He tilted my head up to look at him, and he wiped away a tear with his thumb. The calming, relieved look on his face faded as he looked at me. "Reggie..." His thumb traced along my lower eyelid. "Did you... try something?" He asked hesitantly, the doctor part of him kicking in as he looked me over.   
I shrugged with a small shuddering breath. "Only what you asked, because that was what you wanted." I said, pulling my head away and looking away from him as his eyes widened in what seemed to be a mix of fear and horror.   
"Babe... No no no that's not what I wanted. I could never want that, I could never want you to take your own life. I'm sorry I said that and I regret every word of it."  
"Then why did you say it in the first place?" I asked, looking up at him.   
"I don't know. I don't know why I said it Reggie and I'm _sorry_. I swear I didn't mean it. I love you, I would never want you to do that." He pleaded.   
"Then why would you eve-" I didn't get to finish my sentence as he pushed his lips against mine in a kiss.   
He pulled back after a few seconds. One of his arms was over my shoulder, the other loosely wrapped around my back. His forehead leaned against mine. "Please Reggie, no more arguing. That's what got us into this mess. I almost lost you because I made a mistake. I don't want to mess up again."  
I maintained eye contact with him for a little while as the hand over my shoulder came up to pet and comb through my hair. I looked away as the tears I'd been trying to hold back finally fell.   
He pulled me against him and pressed his lips to mine, harder than the last. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck as he deepened the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was fun.   
> No seriously  
> I had fun writing that  
> Though I probably shouldn't have......


	3. I'm not an aracnephobe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast with Ash   
> And I go to work.

He held me close to his chest. My head was tucked under his chin, and my legs were trapped underneath one of his. He was asleep, his chest moving with his slowed breathing, his heart beating just the slightest bit slower than normal. I was just barely awake, loosely gripping his shirt with one hand. The other was just behind my head, the forearm being used as a pillow.   
It was hot and stuffy under the comforter, so I shoved it off, and blindly grabbed for the sheet on the other side of him, pulling it over us. Ash shifted and his arms tightened around me. Looks like there's no getting up to pee now. I shifted the small bit of space there was closer, and turned my face into his shoulder. 

**~~~~~~~**

I woke up alone. The comforter was pulled up around me, and a pillow was moved down to where my head rested. The space in front of me was still a little warm.   
I looked over my shoulder, the door was cracked just a tiny bit, artificial light barely cut in. The digital alarm clock on the nightstand said it was 7:09 am. I sighed, as much as I didn't want to get up, I had to. A: because I need to pee, and B: because I'm hungry.   
I got up and slipped off the bed. My feet found their slippers as I tracked down my hoodie. Slipping the hoodie on, I also pulled a pair of fluffy pajama pants on over my underwear. The pants were probably Ash's from the way they just barely clung to my hips, the hoodie was his too (hint: it smelled like him).   
I left the bedroom and walked down the short hallway to the bathroom. After peeing, I washed my hands. In the mirror, I obviously saw my reflection. I was a skinny, flat chested, green eyes, brown haired girl. My hair was cut just above my ears, and was a greasy, tangled mess. My eyes were ringed with dark circles from not being able to sleep, they were also a bit bloodshot for the same reason. The clothes I was wearing, Ash's hoodie and pajama pants, were too big for me and hung loosely around my frame.   
I left the bathroom and went out into the living room. The tv was on the morning cartoons. Ash didn't really like them, but I did. I walked through the living room towards the kitchen and grinned a little bit as the Animaniacs started.   
In the kitchen, Ash was nowhere to be seen though I knew he'd been there. No way fresh bacon could have gotten into the pan on it's own. I went over to the coffee machine and poured some into a blue mug. I got some creamer out of the fridge, and added some sugar. It tasted the same as it always did, and I sighed. Sipping on my coffee, I moved over to the stove and poke the bacon with a fork.   
Arms wrapped around my waist from behind, and Ash rested his head on my shoulder. "You know, after what happened last week, I don't think I should allow you to cook." He said playfully, smiling against my neck. Last week, I'd somehow managed to break the microwave. Don't ask how. I don't know what I did, but the machine was broken.  
"Hey, that wasn't actual cooking." I said, turning my head to look at him.   
"You can't cook anyways." He grinned and gave me a little peck on the lips. His arms unraveled themselves from around me as he stepped back. "Now go sit down. Your cartoons are on and you've got your coffee. Now shoo."   
I rolled my eyes and turned around, sipping on my coffee. "But what if I wanna help?"  
"Nope!" He popped his p and shook his head. "Not doin' this. Go sit. I'll bring you food." He waved me towards the living room and I sighed.   
"Alright, fine." I left the kitchen with my coffee and sat on the couch. Slappy the Squirrel's intro was starting as I pulled the throw blanket over me. 

The small smile on my face slowly slipped away as my eyes trailed back to the kitchen entrance. Ash usually doesn't make me leave like that. He would be happy to let me stay and watch him from the counter. Today, he didn't even smile at me before I left.   
It hurt. We've been together for three years, why are we just now starting to drift apart? Well... I guess I've seen it coming all month. He's been doing more work, and putting less effort into spending time with me. We've been getting into more and more arguments, and I'm starting to feel like... I'm not wanted here anymore. At the beginning, he promised he'd never make me feel like I wasn't wanted. He swore that as long as I was with him I would always feel loved. What happened to that? 

I looked up from my coffee as he walked into the living room with two plates of food. He smiled at me. "Hey babe, you okay? Seemed pretty deep in thought there." I nodded and took the plate from him as he handed it to me. He sat down next to me, and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.   
"Yeah, I'm fine Ash." I looked up at him with a smile. He smiled back and kissed my forehead. 

**~~~~~~~**

I got off of the bus and walked down the block to my work. It was roughly 10 am, so there weren't exactly a lot of people wandering the sidewalks, but there were quite a few driving down the road. Also meaning there wouldn't be a lot of people at the bakery. I never worked the morning rush. That's also why Ash doesn't bring me down here, at least not anymore. He can't go inside anyways since he's an aracnephobe.   
I walked into Muffet's Bakery, and the bell above the door rang. "Hey Muffet, I'm here." I said as I grabbed my apron from the coatrack and put it on. There was a bustling from the kitchen, and I walked behind the counter to peek in. I stepped away as she hurried out.   
In an instant, a set of her hands were holding my face and she checked me over. "Reggie, darling, are you okay?" She asked, the worried tone of her voice was slightly unfamiliar.   
"Uhhh yes... I'm fine... Why?" I raised my eyebrow in question as she stepped away to look me over.   
"'Fine' and 'okay' are two completely different things darling. Now look me in the eye and tell me you're okay." She stared at me with her hands on her hips. I looked her in the eyes and opened my mouth to tell her what she wanted to here, but stopped. I couldn't do it. "Darling, you do know I have eyes and ears everywhere right? And I like to make sure my employees are okay. What you did the other night threw me for a spin." All of her eyes blinked.   
"I'm sorry Muffet. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm fine now. Maybe not okay, but I'm fine." I turned away from her and grabbed the drivethru headphones and put them on.  
The spider lady sighed. "Alright Reggie, but please know, of you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here." She smiled. "Now get to work! I'm sure there's a long day ahead of us! Ahuhuhu~" she giggled as she patted me on the back and went back into the kitchen. I went and sat at the stool behind the register.  
The stool technically wasn't supposed to be there, but I spent a lot of time waiting for someone to walk through that door, and Muffet didn't approve of me sitting on the floor. All of that equals a stool being allowed.   
A tired looking human with a messenger bag over there shoulder walked through the door, making the bell ring. I stood up with a smile. "Hello Maia, your usual?" I asked as the tired college student walked up.   
"Nope. Can I have the strongest coffee you got here? It's finals week." She said as she fished our her wallet. "Along with three spider donuts and a croissant." I nodded with a smile as I brought up the total.   
"That'll be $15.12. Do you have your membership card?"  
"Nope." She handed me the money, and I got the pastries. Money went into the cash register and the bag of pasteurized into her hand.   
"I'll have your coffee right out." Maia smiled at me, and I pretended not to notice the new three dollars in the tip jar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yippy chapter three  
> Hey that rhymed.... :P
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEARS


	4. Maybe if I sit here long enough, I'll melt into the river

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It rains as I run from what I wished I didn't see

The lunch rush is almost here. More and more people have been slowly pooling in. My lunch rush buddy Ginger has just walked in and is tying his apron behind his back.  
"You look about as tired as usual. Have a good few hours of nothing?" He asked with a grin. I shrugged and handed him the drivethru headphones.  
"It's been a whole lot of something this past 40 minutes. Glad you're actually on time today." He rolled his eyes and elbowed me in the side before going to the window and waiting for the first drivethru order. I sat on my stool and waited for the lunch rush to actually begin before pushing my stool under the counter. 

**~~~~~~~**

I grabbed my jacket from the coatrack and pulled it on before turning and waving to the spider at the counter. My shift was over.  
I left the coffee shop and started walking down to the bus stop. It was almost 3 pm, so there was a lot of traffic from people trying to get to schools and whatnot. The bus would probably be delayed. I'm going to wait anyways, since I don't have a ride.  
I stood at the bus stop for a while, staring at my feet, before looking up at all the card stopped in front of me. There were a lot, and they were moving slowly; a downside to having a city bus stop so close to the school zones. I looked across the metaphorical sea of cars, and my breath caught in my throat.  
Ash was across the street. His arm was slung around another girl's shoulders. He looked happy. I didn't have to imagine the laugh I heard from him across the street. It was happy, and joyful, and full of mirth. He opened the door of the restaurant a few buildings down for her. His head lifted as an elderly couple came up and went through as well. I could feel my eyes burn as the tears gathered. His eyes met mine, and his widened in surprise.  
I barely stood there for a minute longer before I turned and ran. I ran past the coffee shop. Through a crosswalk without checking if it was my turn to even cross. Only one real thought was actually in my mind.  
_**Ash** is cheating on me._

It hurt my heart. Three years. How long has he been with that other girl in the first place? Does she know he had me? Probably not. Nobody tells their first when they're cheating.  
Maybe this is why we've been drifting apart. He's got someone else on his mind, and doesn't want me. 

The sky turned gray as I ran, and the rain began to pour. It got colder. The rain soaked into my clothes as my shoes sucked water from the puddles that were forming on the sidewalk.  
I stopped at the bridge, and felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out. Alex. 29 text messages, and three calls. My hand tightened around the device as more tears slid down my face. Why was he texting me? He's on a date.  
I let out a brittle laugh that turned into a muffled sob. I wiped my eyes a little bit as I looked off the bridge. The water was black and angry. It rippled and churned as the rain hit its surface. It almost resembled what was going on inside my head. It was dark and unsettled.  
I muted my phone. My shoes squished and squashed as I walked over to the railing and leaned against it. I fit my legs between the bars of the railing, and sat down on the ground. My feet hung over the bridge, the excess water, dripping down into the river.  
Hardly anybody walked along the bridge as I sat there. Nobody stopped.  
The rain came down harder. It got colder. I didn't move, even as I started shivering. 

"So I take it that you like to swim?" A familiar voice asked from behind me. I didn't look. Nor did I answer, just leaned my head against the bar in front of me. "Your name was Reggie right?" They asked again. I shrugged.  
"Depends on who you are." I said quietly.  
"Alright then." There was a grunt as he sat down next to me. The rain coming down on me was cut off by and umbrella. "Stretch. From the last time you were here. Me and my friend pulled you out of the river." There was a clicked, and an intake of breath before an exhale. It smelled like cigarette smoke.  
"Ah. Something you want?" I asked, turning my head slightly to look at him. The skeleton shrugged before taking a drag.  
"Nothing big. Just wondering why you're out here, alone, and soaked to the bone. It's been less than a week since the last time I saw you. This doesn't seem like a happy situation."  
"Nobody ever said it was happy. Nor did anyone say it was sad. I'm just here to be here."  
"So you left without an umbrella?"  
"Don't have one, and I didn't know it was going to rain." I shrugged and looked back out towards the water.  
"Well then, that's an estimate on how long you've been here. It started raining at 3:12. It's currently 6. But who sits in the rain for borderline three hours?" He cocked his skull at me. I snorted in dry amusement.  
"I do apparently."  
It was silent for a minute. Neither of us moved. He exhaled his cigarette smoke, and I hardly breathed. Maybe if I didn't breath long enough, I'd pass out.  
He broke the silence.  
"You were going to do something when you were sure no one was around, weren't you?" He was quiet, like he was talking to a wounded animal. I shrug and cracked a smile.  
"Depends on what 'something' implies."  
His brow creased as the corner of his teeth tilted up (how is he doing that? Bone isn't supposed to shift. It's unnatural). "'Something' implies that it's be dangerous and make quite a few people upset."  
"Lots of things make people upset." I shot back.  
"Okay, how 'bout something that'll make your parents sad."  
"Depends on if they're still disappointed over me not going to law school."  
"Law school? Doesn't seem like you. Maybe 'something' has to do with the river below."  
"Does something imply throwing my phone over the edge?"  
"You did that?"  
"No. But it has to do with the river."  
He chuckled. "What about you taking a swim?"  
"Who says that was even the route I was going for?" I looked over at him with a raised eyebrow.  
"Oh, so you're going for hypothermia? That'll be painless." He joked and I shook my head.  
"How is this funny? Why are we laughing at this? This is supposed to be serious!" I said with a quiet laugh, and he shrugged with a grin.  
"Maybe I was just trying to make you a bit happier. And it seems as though its worked." He motioned to my face as I wiped rain water from my cheek. I rolled my eyes with a small smile.  
It became silent again, and I looked back out over the water. I was the one to break the silence this time.  
"Why'd you decide to sit next to a stranger in the rain when you could've just gone home and forgotten?" It sounded hollow, and not what I was going for. I heard him shift next to me.  
"Maybe because someone like you doesn't deserve to feel like you do. Or maybe because I pulled you out of a river a few days ago. Or maybe it's because we're not strangers. I do know your name. That's not being strangers." He snuffed his cigarette out on the concrete between us.  
"Yea, but you know nothing else."  
"That's not true. It's easy to figure things out about people when you're a monster."  
"Then what else do you know?"  
"You're kind, and honest. You're also quiet. You're more of a wallflower than a social butterfly. You're a hard and fast worker, and like your coffee mostly black."  
I almost punched my leg as I sat up to look at him. "How the hell do you know how I like my coffee?" He grinned and motioned back over his shoulder.  
"You work at Muffet's and sneak come coffee on days you don't sleep enough." He shrugged. "I'm the other person who works in the kitchen."  
I stared at him before shaking my head with a bit of a laugh. "And here I thought you were watching me through my window or something."  
He snickered and got up with the umbrella. "No. Even though I look creepy, I'm not a creeper." He extended his hand down to me. "C'mon Reggie. You've probably already caught a cold, and Berry should be home by now. I'm sure he wouldn't mind serving an extra person."  
I took his hand and let him pull me up. "Oh, but I couldn't do that to you two. It'd be rude to intrude."  
"But you're not intruding. I just offered. Accepting an offer doesn't not equal intrusion." He grinned. "Just c'mon, he's making tacos." I hesitated a bit longer before giving in with a small huff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, it's a chapter. Uhhhh of there's things I should tag, tell me.


	5. Someone else's happiness is worth your pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reggie goes home.  
> All she wants is for Ash to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE DOT TAKE THE TITLE SERIOUSLY. SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS IS NOT WORTH YOUR PAIN.

It was nice to be around such friendly, happy people, but one can only last so long when they are otherwise occupied. Ash is still texting and calling me, and every time I check my phone, I want to cry. I can't sit there with them any longer, so I say I have to leave. Berry gave me a hug before I turned to the door. I pulled my shoes on, and my coat, and opened the door. It was still raining outside. Not as hard, but still enough that I'd be soaked in minutes.  
I walked onto the porch and stood there for a minute, Stretch followed me out. "Do you need a ride?" He asked. I shook my head. I'd be fine, just a little wet when I got home. I told him so, and he sighed. "Then at least take the umbrella so you don't get sicker than you probably already will be." He held out the black umbrella he'd had earlier. I took it after a moments thought. I thanked him, and he watched me leave.  
I don't really want to go home, but I can't avoid it forever. That's where all of my stuff is. I turned towards home, and walked with my head down.  
It smelled like rain and wet nature. The grass seemed to shine under the lamppost's light. My shoes made a crunch noise, alone with the occasional 'plop' as I walked along. It was cold. But not so cold that my breath fogged in front of me. There was the distant sound of cars driving on the freeway, the swoosh of the tires on the wet ground, the occasional honking of a car.  
I looked up as I reached the flooded gutter of my home's driveway. The living room light showed through the front window. Ash's car was in the driveway, as was someone else. Tears pooled in my eyes and I tried to will them away.  
It didn't work as I got onto the porch and dug my keys out of my pocket. The pain of seeing him with another girl was still fresh. Everything felt wrong as I unlocked the door and quietly went inside the house. Our house. I suppressed a sob as I took off my shoes and put the umbrella away.  
Ash wasn't in the living room, and neither was whoever the car belonged to. I turned away to go up the stairs, but saw Ash come out of the upstairs bathroom. I stood as still as I could, hoping he wouldn't see me.  
It didn't work, and I broke a little more on the inside. His eyes widened like they had when he'd seen me across the street. I don't know why I didn't just turn and leave. I wasn't wanted here. He came down the stairs, slowly, possibly waiting to see what I would do. I stood there and watched him as he eventually came to stand in front of me.  
"Reggie, I-" he started quietly, and I cut him off.  
"Don't. Just... don't." I stared down at the ground as more tears burned my eyes. "I know what I saw. And what I saw, was you being happy with some other girl...." He didn't say anything. Didn't move. I watched his hands. One of them clenched into a fist, the other on twitched like it was going to reach out. I looked back up at him, at his eyes. They were just the slightest bit crooked, with chocolate brown irises. I tried to smile. "You looked so happy with her. You had a spark I haven't seen in you for months, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to give that to you anymore. I'm so sorry that you felt like you couldn't just _tell me_ that you weren't happy with our relationship anymore, that you felt like you had to go behind my back to feel happy again." My voice broke as I spoke. I'd been trying to practice what to say on my way back. But everything I'd wanted to say, was gone. I couldn't say it anymore as I stared at the man who I'd loved for so long. I cant believe that this is how it's going to end. I looked away and tried not to sob.  
He didn't say anything. The silence was unbearable. It hurt my heart, my head, my soul. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying as I looked up at him. His eyes didn't glisten with unshed tears. They were filled with conflict and indecision.  
"I'm sorry that you're having so much trouble trying to decide what to do." I said. "I'm sorry you feel the need to debate on what's best for you. I love you and I'm so sorry I made you break your promise. I'm sorry you don't want me anymore." More tears fell from my eyes as I quietly sobbed. "I'll make it easier for you, and just leave. It'll make it easier on both of us. You won't have to make a decision between her and me, happiness and unhappiness. I won't have to see you everyday and be reminded that I failed you, and that you weren't happy here."  
"Reggie-"  
"No." I looked him in the eyes as his hands froze where they'd been. "She makes you _happy_ Ash. You'll be happier with her around." I tried to take a deep breath, but it broke into a bunch of mini shuddering half-breaths. "You didn't want me around anyways. Hahah.... That's why you yelled at me to go kill myself." I brought my hands up to hug myself. "Because it'd be easier on you to be with her. You could just forget about me-"  
"Regina dammit!" Ash almost yelled, his fist hit the wall next to us, and I flinched away. His other hand went to my shoulder and stopped me from moving away. His other one came up to my shoulder as well and he leaned down a bit to look me in the eye. "Would you just listen to me? I don't want you to kill yourself, I could never want that, and I don't know why I have to keep telling you that. I love you, and that girl is a nobody. She was being harassed at the mall..." his eyes looked left as he continued talking. He was lying. That girl isn't a nobody and she wasn't being harassed at the mall for anything. "...and I love you. Okay? I swear I'm never going to break those promises. I don't want to forget about you, and I don't want to have to see you being buried. The thought of that happening, of you doing that to yourself, breaks my heart. I choose you. You're the one I want." Left again. I sobbed and shoved his hands off of me.  
"Would you stop lying to me!?" I yelled at him. "I'm not the one you want! She is!" I pointed up the stairs at the woman standing there. She's appeared after he'd punched the wall.  
She was beautiful. She had womanly curves, D cups, high cheek bones, long golden hair, sparkling, even, symmetrical blue eyes, and what I guessed would be a personality to match. I sobbed as my demons pointed out more differences between me and her, and how Ash had no real reason to want me when someone like that was around.  
Ash looked up the stares and groaned a sigh. She came down a step. "Ash, is everything alright? Who is she? And what is she yelling about?"  
Ash smiled at her. There was that spark. He loved her. More than me. I held back a sob, and tried to pull on a smile. I spoke before he could. "Don't worry about me. I'm just his... ex now.... He'll be happier with someone like you. I'm just here to pick up my stuff, then I'll be gone, and you'll never have to worry about me stealing your man." I wiped the tears from my eyes and moved past him, and up the stairs past her. I made it to our- Ash's room, and started gathering all of my important belongings.  
There were heavy footsteps up the stairs after a muffled conversation. The door opened as Ash came in. "Reggie, listen, I didn't mean to hurt you, I really didn't. This isn't what I want though. I don't want you to leave. You- I promised I'd always love you, and make you feel like you were the most important person in the world. I swear that that hasn't changed. I love you. And you _are_ the most important person in the world to me." I shook my head as I sobbed quietly.  
"Just stop lying to me Ash... she's proof that you're just sprouting lies and fairy tales.... I know I should be mad that you cheated on me, but I can honestly see why.... She's better than me, in every way. She's prettier, happier, probably even smarter too. She's a $100 dollar bill, and I'm just a penny." I zipped my backpack closed and looked out the window. "I should be mad... but all I really want is for you to be happy." I turned around and gave him a broken smile. "Just be happy.... That's all I want." I walked past him.  
The walk out the front door, was the hardest one I've ever had to make. Even letting go of the bridge's railing was easier. I made it down the block, the a few streets, and around a corner before I stopped. I was beneath a tree, and it was dry, even as the rain attacked the branches above. I let my bag drop to the ground as I stared at the ground. It didn't seem right that this was so dry. Everything else was wet, and sad. Even I was. The umbrella didn't work when it was hanging by my side. I sat on my haunches and watched as my tears slowly started wetting the ground. It was funny really. It almost felt like... I was breaking in two.  
I bent over my knees and pressed my palms into my eyes. I breathed a sob, and screamed as my heart broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, seriously, someone's happiness isn't worth your pain because you should always try to do something to build your own happiness.  
> I love you guys.  
> Please don't do anything that'll hurt you. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (I cried while writing this)


	6. Humans are fragile and need support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spiders don't live in spider webbed homes

I moved to the trunk of the tree as the rain came down harder. I pulled my knees to my chest and pressed my eyes against them as I cried.   
I just lost _everything_ less than a week after I tried to drown myself. And it's all my fault. I wasn't good enough for him anymore. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't happy enough. I didn't have a good enough body. I just wasn't _good_ enough.   
I quietly sobbed beneath the tree as water dripped from the branches above me. Everything seemed so... dead now. Everything seemed gray and sad. Lightning races across the sky in a white arc, and thunder shook the ground beneath me. The sky grew sadder and sobbed above me.   
It seems as though, I'm linked to the sky. My emotions are the weather. I don't know what to make of it. It's seems like, everyday I'm sad, and everyday I cry, it rains. It's always a cold rain. I've never felt warm rain. I've never cried out of happiness.   
There were footsteps coming down the sidewalk. I felt something crawling on my arm. It made my hairs stand on end, and gave me goosebumps. I looked up from where my head was buried, and looked at my arm. There was a fuzzy brown tarantula crawling up my arm. It looked up at me and waved its front legs. I smiled a little, and gently pet the spider. The footsteps got closer.   
I looked up as they stopped right in front of me. Muffet was looking down at me with sad eyes. She had a fancy umbrella protecting her from the rain, and a warm rain coat to protect her from the cold.   
The spider lady extended one of her five available hands towards me. "Let's go. I'll not have one of my employees sleeping in the rain because their ex-boyfriend is a douchebag." I sat there for a minute longer and she impatiently wiggled her fingers. I quietly sighed as I took her hand and let her pull me up. The brown tarantula jumped off of me and into the tree as we walked away.   
My bag was slung over my shoulder again, and Muffet led me by the hand. She took me farther and farther away from Ash's house. Her umbrella protected me from the rain, Stretch's hung off my backpack strap. The spider lady sighed as we reached the walkway of a small one floor house. "I'll never understand why humans do what they do. Like cheating on their girlfriend, and crying in the rain. But what I do understand, is that every human is tenuously different, and that they all need support." She smiled at me as she held the door open. "And even if I'm your boss, I can still help you when you need."   
I stepped inside of her small humble home.   
For the dwelling of a spider, it was very nice and neat. Most of the decor was purple, different shades of purple. I like the one that was slightly darker than mauve. What caught me the slightest but off guard, was the lack of webs. Nothing was covered in silky strands of spider silk, and none of the spiders crawling around were stringing any anywhere.  
Muffet directed me upstairs to the bathroom, telling me that I should shower lest I get sick. Inside the bathroom was also purple, including the towels and soap. That's one thing I forgot at Ash's, my soap, as well as any other toiletries I'd had. I sighed and climbed into the shower after pulling a pair of dry clothes out of my bag, and stripping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If something funky happened with the italics (like an entire paragraph being italized) please tell me.


	7. I don't know what to do

The water was cold against my skin as it came down from the sky. It stained my clothes a darker shade as the water soaked in. I kept walking. The umbrella hung loosely at my side. What was the need for it? I was already sick anyways. Sick with hurt. What's it matter if get physically sick too?  
I stopped walking at the bus stop and waited there. It'd be here soon. I'd board it, and walk to the back and stand by the doors. Nobody would notice, not would they care, about the soaking woman who just got on.  
But where would the bus take me? I can't go back to Ash's house. I'm not wanted there. I'm not needed there. It's be pointless to get on.  
I turned and started walking again. It was cold, and I shivered. I looked up at the sky. _Why did it cry?_ I wondered. Was it because Earth was sad and in pain, too? Humans are awful creatures. They hurt and take, and they don't give back. I stopped at a crosswalk and stared at the red hand as no cars crossed the street.  
Rainy days seemed to be the most peaceful. Hardly anybody came outside to play or run some errands. People stayed inside and watched movies or played board games. That's what I could've been doing with Ash. That's what the two of us had always done together. Tears burned my eyes at the thought and I wished I could get over it.  
I wished I could get over him. Over him and the three years I'd spent with him. But it's not that easy, no matter how much I want it to be. I can't just wash away three years of my life like they'd been nothing. It just doesn't work that way, and it never will.  
The sign turned to the white walking man, and I crossed the street. Rain sploshed beneath my feet. The sky above me gave a great cry of thunder as white light raced through it.  
I reached the coffee shop I'd left not too long ago, and went inside. I took off my coat with a sigh and hung it back up. Marcy, the vanilla colored bunny monster that takes the shift after mine looked up. "Oh darlin', what're ya doin' back here?" She said with her slightly southern drawl. I shrugged.  
"Just realized I didn't know where I was going and came back for a coffee." I said.  
"Oh, 'm sorry darlin'. Anythin' you'd like?" She asked and looked at me with a kind smile. I ordered what I usually made myself when I was working, plus a donut. The total was $6.59. I payed and she handed me my things. The corner table seemed to be calling my name, so I walked over to it and sat down. I faced the door and brought my legs up to the seat.  
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to find my own place, or even afford the rent of one. Everything seemed so impossible. I felt lost and confused as I stare into the abyss of my mostly black coffee. I couldn't stay at Muffet's for forever. It'd be rude if I did that too her, even if she's offering her hospitality.  
I sighed and sipped on the steaming liquid in my hands. Maybe I could pick up another job? But where? With who? I hadn't had an interview for Muffet's. I'd just walked in with a printed version of her application, and she looked at me for a good two minutes before smiling an saying I was hired. It'd probably been the strangest and most awkward two minutes of my life.  
I nibbled on the donut and watched as a spider came and cleaned up the crumbs. It looked up at me, and I could almost hear Muffet sigh from the kitchen. The spider skittered away as I took another sip from my coffee.  
I set the mug down and laid my head down beside it. The doors to the kitchen squeaked on their hinges. They need to be oiled.  
"So, going for a caffeine overdose paired with a cold hmm?" The familiar voice of Stretch asked. I shrugged against the table. So what if that's what I did. "Mmm. So it's another one of those 'maybe it doesn't have to do with the river' moments hmmm? Mind telling me what's wrong?" He sounded so calm and laid back. It was kind of aggravating really. I shrugged against the table again. "Then how 'bout I ask you something?"  
I sighed and sat up. My hands rested palm-down on the table as I looked up at him. It'd be so easy to just push him away right now. Tell him to go away. But that's not something I've ever really been able to do with anyone without a great deal of pain. I'd feel guilty if I'd shoved him away and all he'd done was be nice to me.  
The edges of his teeth tilted up in a grin. "Do you want to come over later for a game/movie night?" I blinked at him. His grin hasn't left his face. I smiled a little bit.  
"Sure. That doesn't sound to bad." I took another drink of my coffee. He nodded at me before getting up.  
"My shift'll be over in an hour, hope you don't mind waiting so you're not walking by yourself." The skeleton said. I nodded and said I'd wait. 

My chest didn't feel as pained as it did a few minutes ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it possible for the soul to fall in love long before the heart and the mind do?  
> Is it possible that the soul does not always fall in love when the heart and mind do?


	8. Waiting for me to come back

I waited for his shift to end. I wished time would move a bit faster, just a tiny bit. I felt anxious, and my coffee has gone cold. I stared into its dark liquid-y depths and waited.   
An hour seemed to pass before I looked back up. But that was just in my head. According to the clock across the room, it had only been two minutes since I last checked. I stared at the clock as my hands slowly shifted the cup in circles. The cold beverage didn't swirl in the cup until the cup stopped moving. It rippled against the walls.  
The doorbell dinged, and I looked up ready to plaster a smile on my face, before remembering that it's not my shift. I watched the one who entered -a tall Native American wearing a blue pullover- go up to the counter and place his order. A cider and cinnamon roll. He's got a membership card- oh yea, his name is Achak Pine but he goes by Spirit. His total is $6,56. He's always got the exact amount of change he needs so he only gets dollar bills back. He turns and sees me, he waves and leaves with a smile.   
I looked back down at my drink, and sloshed it around in the cup. It ran up the sides, and the slowly sunk back down into the bulk, leaving no trace that it had been on the walls of the cup. As it ran up and down the walls, it went from what seemed to be black (but anyone who drinks coffee would otherwise now as a very dark brown) to a light brown, and then back down to black. I stared at it, and tired to let the world melt away.   
I sat there and continued to wait. It was so calm and quiet as it rained outside. But trying to make the world disappear from around me was hard. There was music playing softly from the speakers in the ceiling, there was white noise coming from the machines, and other noises from the kitchen. I couldn't block it all out.   
I pushed my cold coffee away from me and put my head down in my arms. I stared at the table beneath me and followed the wood's design up and down the limits of my personal shadowed piece of table. They went left to right, right to left, in wave and circles, thick and thin, brown and near black. The colors reminded me off coffee with varying amounts of creamer in it.   
I tried not to shift too much, feeling awkward when I did. Everyone else in the shop seemed so comfortable in their positions that they hardly ever moved. I felt like tingly and restless and like there was something crawling along where it felt like something was so close to touching it, but not doing so. It taunted me. I tried not to move, even as the tingling sensation on my back became more insistent.   
It felt as though time was moving slower the closer it got to the end of Stretch's shift. I fidgeted as I waited, looking around at everyone, looking down at my lap, staring out the window on the other side of the shop. My leg bounced up and down beneath the table as I alternated between the many things I could stare at. Marcy stood at the register playing on her phone as she waited for people to come in and order. I almost went to get up and buy another coffee, but I decided not too as spiders came out to clean the table. I didn't want to step on any of them and anger Muffet.   
I looked towards the door as the bell jingled with someone opening it and coming in, I froze where I sat. Ash stood there, looking scared for his life as the spiders crawled around the walls and the tables. I prayed he wouldn't look in my direction as my chest- my heart- began to hurt. I wished I could hide in the shadows of the booth as he moved further into the shop.   
I couldn't understand why he was here. It didn't make any sense. Not only did he hate spiders, but he was afraid of them too. He never came with me because he was afraid of them. I couldn't understand.  
Marcy smiled at him and asked him if he needed anything. I flinched when I heard my name fall from his lips in a question of whether or not I was there. He was looking for me, and I wished I didn't exist- that I was dead in the river. I stared down at the table, and pretended I hadn't noticed him, even as I hung onto every word out of his mouth as he pleaded with Marcy to tell him where I was.   
Even as I prayed that she would hold out until he left, she didn't. Marcy pointed to me at my table after a good three minutes of him begging her. He slowly stepped over the spiders running along the floors. He knew the stories of what happened to people who stepped on one of the spiders here, I'd told him plenty.   
He slid into the seat across from me as the long hand of the clock finally hit seven. Stretch's shift was over. 

Ash watched me from across the table. He opened his mouth many times, and closed it just as many. I wished he would just say something. His hand reached out across the table, palm up, "Reggie...?" His voice was soft and he sounded so sad and hurt, and it hurt me to hear him like that. "Reggie, darling, please... I...." He continued struggling with his words as his hand laid there, open and inviting.   
I lifted my head and looked at him. He looked distraught and tired, the shadows under his eyes darker than before. I closed my hands around each other under the table as I tried to keep a completely impassive expression.   
"Reggie, I'm sorry. What you saw was not what you thought it was, and I'm sorry I didn't explain it faster."  
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stretch exit the kitchen.   
"Then what did was it?" I asked in a quiet voice. "What did I see but misunderstand?" I tried to keep the pain in my heart from seeping into my voice.   
"I wasn't cheating on you with her. I didn't know how to tell you that she was the one I had before you, and she needed a place to stay. I'm sorry I lied to you Reggie..." He was sincere, but I just couldn't ignore the way he looked at her.   
I wished Stretch would stop being polite and come over to ask if I was ready to go. Then I could leave. But he didn't. He waited in the space behind the register.   
I itched to reach out and take his hand, to replace the pain I felt with warmth and comfort. I could almost feel his fingers lacing together with mine as I sat there. I didn't know what I was supposed to say, what I was supposed to do.   
"Reggie, please babe. Come back to me." His fingers stretched towards me as he spoke. "I promise you're the most important person in the world to me, and that I'll always make you feel loved and wanted." He restated the promises he made three years ago when he first asked me to be his girlfriend.   
Tears burned my eyes as he repeated his promises. It was like he was begging for me to come back. Begging for an apology.   
I reached up and wiped my eyes. I couldn't help it after that. I reached out and set my hand in his. His warm, slightly calloused hand wrapped around mine as he smiled. He didn't look sad anymore. The pain in my heart lessened, but did not go away. A deeper part of me screamed for me to stop, to pull away from Ash, but I ignored it as he stood up and came around to my side of the booth, and sat down next to me. His pulled my hand up to his mouth, and kissed the back as he interlaced our fingers. It was a bit awkward with both being our right hands, but the awkwardness of it was washed away as his arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a little bit of time to write because I wasn't sure where to go, but I like how it came out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is from Stretch's point of view.

I came out of the kitchen a couple minutes after my shift ended, and saw a guy sitting in the booth across from Reggie. She didn't look happy about him being there, she looked hurt. Very very hurt.   
I moved over to where Marcy was behind the register. She looked up at me, and then back at Reggie and the guy. "Who is he?" I asked, voice low enough so that it wouldn't carry over to where Reggie was sitting. Marcy side-eyed me before moving so that her hip wasn't leaning on the counter.   
"I'm not sure..." He had his hand laid on the table in front of him, looking at Reggie as though he were begging. "He came in a few minutes ago and asked for her... I tried to not tell him, but he just got _so_ annoying, with his begging and all. I think they've got some history or something. Maybe recent." She shrugged as we watched.   
I stood by and watched. Reggie looked like she was going to start crying, and I thought about going over and asking what was wrong. I thought about it for a good minute as she wrung her hands under the table. Marcy dealt with a couple customers as I stood there. It looked as though she was thinking the same thing as she stood with her hands on her hips watching the two.   
The man continued talking to Reggie. His hand stretched a little towards her, and her's twitched under the table. She started to cry as he continued talking. She reached out and took his hand as I was about to walk over. I could see the way her soul seemed to brighten, just for a second, before it dimmed past where it had been the entire time.   
The guy moved from his side of the table to hers. He kissed her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she continued to cry. She didn't seem as sad now, happier even, like she'd found something she'd lost.   
But it didn't make any sense to me. The green of her soul wasn't as bright as I feel it should be. Her soul was darker than it had been before he came. Couldn't she feel the pain she was in? The pain this man seemed to be causing her?  
Marcy sighed next to me. "I guess that explains that." She pulled out her phone as I looked at her. Had I missed something?  
"Explains what?" I asked. She looked up at me then motioned back to Reggie.   
"Those two. He's her boyfriend, that's at least what I've gathered from this. They probably got into a fight, and Reggie decided to avoid him." Marcy shrugged. She seemed to be really observant when it came to this type of thing. I've heard her tell stories about other people while I worked in the kitchen.   
I looked back at Reggie and her boyfriend (?) as they got up. It didn't make sense that he was her boyfriend. If they were together, she wouldn't have tried to jump, right?  
I walked around the counter. "I guess this means you don't want to come play video games?" I asked Reggie as she turned to me. He turned as well, confusion etched on his fleshy face.  
"Reggie... Who's this?" He asked with a tint of fear. Maybe he was afraid of skeletons too, heh. Reggie looked up at him then back at me with a smile. Her green eyes seemed darker than they normally where. At least, that's what I think. I've never actually paid attention to it.   
"This is Stretch." She hesitated for a moment before adding, "he pulled me put of the river.... And Stretch," she motioned to him. "This is Ash, my boyfriend." I nodded and shook Ash's hand.   
Ash's eyes had widened a bit when she had said that I'd pulled her from the river. His soul had also flickered for a moment before brightening a little bit. "You have my thanks Stretch. If it weren't for you, I might've lost my little dove." He said with a smile. I nodded back at him.  
"And I'm sorry Stretch, I won't be able to make it to game night." Reggie said with a little bit of a smile. I nodded. That was alright wasn't it? She would be with her boyfriend.   
Why did this make me uneasy....?


	10. Melting obliviously

I laid in bed as Ash took a shower. I could've joined him if I wanted, but that would've just led to another round, and my thighs are already soaked with a mix of our cum. The inside of my hips were beginning to feel sore, and I worried about whether or not I could even get up tomorrow to go to work.   
First night back in the house, back in his bed, and we have sex. It hasn't happened in so long, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. The sex was good, it really was. I just... I don't know. Something about it felt off. It felt different from the last time we had sex. I just can't pinpoint what was different.   
The shower turned off and I heard the shower curtain get pulled aside. I pushed myself off of my side and carefully got off the bed. With a sigh, I grabbed the clothes I've been using for pajamas out of my bag, and a towel.   
The bathroom door creaked open as I got off the ground. I turned around and tried not to meet his eyes, or any other part of him really. He was busy using his towel to dry his hair instead of covering his junk like a gentleman. He wandered towards the dresser as he scruffed his hair with the towel and I headed towards the bathroom. As we passed each other, his arm reached out and wrapped around my waist before pulling my closer and kissing my cheek. "Take all the time you need," he said before letting go. 

I pushed the bathroom door closed behind me and stared in the mirror. My cheek stung like it had been pricked by a bee. The kiss... It didn't feel right. None of this felt right at all. Not the soreness of my hips, the sting of teeth on my skin, nor the red and purple splotches that cover my neck and chest. These thoughts repeated themselves in my head as I ran the shower.   
_It didn't feel right._  
 _This was wrong._  
 _This wasn't right._

I washed the residue of sex from my body before sitting down in the tub and letting it fill with water. Ash hadn't used any hot water from the looks of it, which I appreciated. Though I kind of wished he hadn't. It just gives me another reason to stay in here longer.   
Once the bathtub was full of water, I turned off the tap and leaned against the back of the tub. It was so warm and relaxing, I felt like I could just melt.   
If I melted... I could die.   
I could stop existing.   
I stared down into the water, the crystal clear water. The bite marks on my thighs stood out against the rest of my skin. They were ugly and disgusting. They didn't belong there. They didn't look right. _It wasn't right._   
I pulled my eyes away from the markings and stared at the ceiling with a sigh. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Why didn't this feel right? Why didn't it feel right to have sex with Ash? I loved Ash. That's what lovers do. Right? They love and kiss and have sex. It's what happened in a relationship, in a long term relationship.   
I slipped a little further into the warm water. It lapped at my lips, and just beneath my nose. It tickled. The water rippled beneath my nose with every breath, every exhale. The ripples expanded out across the surface of the clear water covering me.   
Tired.   
I was so very tired..  
Couldn't I just let it all go for now....  
Take a little nap...  
In the warmth of the water..  
I sighed and closed my heavy eyelids, letting darkness fill my sight as they shut like heavy metal doors.   
Just a little while, and I'll be fine. 

 

Empty silence was chased away by the breath of the wind. The mess of hair on my head tickled the tips of my eyelids, and I peeled them open.   
Bright sunlight replaced the lapse of darkness, and a bright blue sky shined along side it. Birds sang as they flew around and chased one another. Flowers and trees sighed in the wind as it blew across the field.   
The ground beneath me was soft with dirt and barely squished marigolds. The air smelled so fresh and clean, I felt as though I could just lay here forever and just Breathe.   
I sat up and looked around, just over the tops of flowers. Trees circled all the way around, and orange petals flew with green leaves. Marigolds and maple trees all dancing in the wind as it blew.   
It never seemed to stop, the wind just blew and blew. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too swift, not too slow. Not too hot, not too cold. Leaves and flower petals stuck to my hair.   
"Life is beautiful, isn't it Miss Gremil." Said a man behind me. He was dressed in all black, like death, but still seemed so kind. "I wouldn't want to miss it if I were you, not now at least. Not when it's still beautiful." He sighed and his head shifted towards the sky as the leaves and petals in my hair rotted and stuck. The ground beneath me turned hard as stone and the flowers created a dead ring of creation.   
I panicked.

 

"Reggie!" Ash's voice cut through layers of sleep as I gasped and coughed up water. My chest heaved as I tried to get that air back. Ash had his arms wrapped around me over my towel, his chest my back. "Reggie, are you alright?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this took so long too get up. It's taken me a long while to write this chapter, mainly because I didn't know what would happen in it. Though, I guess I'm a little proud of it. Personally love how the meadow seems like poetry.   
> hopefully the next chapters won't be as long.


	11. Solutions

"Reggie? Are you alright?"  
I looked up from my food at the sound of my name. I blinked owlishly at Marcy. What had she said? I don't think I'd been paying attention... Or had I caught it but forgot? I don't really know....  
Marcy huffed and waved her hand in front of my face. "Earth to Reggie. Come in Houston come in. Do you read me?" She said in a slightly monotonous voice, and I cracked a smile. The slight concern on her face didn't leave her eyes as she smiled. "Welcome back." I nodded.  
"It's good to be back? I think? I mean, I never actually left in the first place so...."  
"Your head was somewhere else sweetheart," the concern returned as she pointed her fork at me. "But seriously. Are you okay? You've been out of it all morning." All morning? Has it already been that long?  
I looked back down at my food: seafood soup from the Chinese place a few blocks down.... Guess it has been that long....  
"Houston, you're breaking up, do you read me, Houston come in." Marcy continued on her charade.The whole 'Houston' thing sounded good with her accent. I shook my head and looked up. "Houston we have a problem, the ship has lost it's landing gear and cannot safely land on the surface of Reggie's brain." Marcy said before shoving a piece of Mongolian beef in her mouth. I frowned at her.  
"I think you watch to many space movies or whatever that's from," I said. I think she said she'd started binge watching some show? Or a movie? Movie series? Damn I really haven't been paying attention. Marcy rolled her eyes as I thought.  
"Houston 101. It's a new series on Netflix and its fucking awesome." There was still some food in her mouth as she answered the unspoken question I'd apparently had (?).  
"Oh? So that's you're new thing now. How long do you have to wait for an episode?" I looked away from her and caught a piece of green onion in the broth on my spoon. She started talking about her show as I ate that single piece of food. It was something about a kid sneaking onto a plane and then it launching into space or something like that. Just another one of her space adventure things.  
"Hey...." I said. Marcy stopped mid-word and looked at me from wherever she'd been looking. "How's sex with your significant other supposed to feel?" I asked quietly.  
"Besides the penis part?" She said jokingly. I didn't laugh, and she sighed as her own smile slipped away. "Is this what's been bothering you?" I nodded. She sighed again. She probably didn't want to talk about it, probably thought I was just being stupid. Like, isn't it obvious? Sex with your significant other should be great, fantastic, fireworks and butterflies.  
A lid was placed on the container of soup I'd been slowly eating. A bag rustled, and another lid clicked. Her jacket rustled and her chair squeaked. "C'mon Reggie. If we're gonna talk about this, we should do it in a place where people can't hear us talking about your sex life." I looked up as she tugged her jacket on, and then got up myself. I grabbed my jacket on the way out of the building and followed Marcy to wherever she wanted to go. 

 

The door to Marcy's apartment swung open and we stepped inside. It swung shut behind me and she locked it. "Make yourself comfortable. Drinks in the fridge, yada yada you know the whole schpeel." She said as she went to the kitchen and put our food in the fridge. I just went to the living room and sat on her couch. It was a light brown couch with multicolored pillows resting in various spots. The TV was across the space in front of the couch and mounted on the wall. There were two side tables, one on either side of the couch, and a TV stand underneath where the tv was. The carpet was a greeted beige color and probably hasn't seen a drop of soap since Marcy moved in. Said lady dropped onto the couch next to me and looked at me expectantly.  
Why'd we come here again?  
"Soooo.... Sex with your boyfriend?" She said, and I ended up sighing.  
"Yea...."  
"What's the problem?"  
I shrugged and sunk into the corner of the couch.  
"If you didn't know, then you wouldn't be so preoccupied."  
"You're not a therapist."  
"You don't need a therapist. You need a dictionary."  
"What?"  
"Nothing."  
I sighed. What had been so wrong with it? With Ash and sex? "It felt different," I mumbled. Marcy rolled her eyes like that was obvious.  
"Please elaborate."  
"I don't know, it just didn't feel right. It felt different. Wrong. Off. I don't know." It didn't make sense. Why did it feel so _wrong_ in the first place? Nothing had been different. Nothing had changed. It was just regular sex.  
"Soooo.... what you're saying is that you aren't feeling it when he puts his dick in you?"  
"Marcy."  
"What? That's pretty much what you're saying. Yea, I added some words. But if him putting his dick in you isn't making you feel ecstatic, then you're not happy. Seriously, sex is supposed to be good, you're not supposed to feel lost or wired or like it was wrong. Unless it was rape.... He didn't rape you did he? Because I swear to god if he fuckin-"  
"Marcy, he didn't rape me."  
"Fine, but still. Sex shouldn't make you feel like crap. In your case, that's probably one of the best signs to show that you're not happy with him anymore, and you should get out of that relationship ASAP."  
"But Marcy, it's been _three_ years. I've been happy for three years. Why would it suddenly change?" Why wouldn't I be happy with Ash? Yea, we've had our ups and downs, but that's normal for relationships. Nothing's really changed since the lady incident. He promised he would always make me feel wanted and loved. This was part of that.  
"Maybe you're just ready for something new, or you've found something better. I don't know. But if the sex isn't good, and you don't feel loved around him, then leave him. Yea, you two just got back together, but maybe you weren't meant to."  
I sat quietly as the bunny monster watched me. Maybe she was right and I should leave him, but even if I did, where would I go afterwards? Where _could_ I go? She sighed.  
"How about.... you have sex again, and if the feeling changes, forget everything I said. If it doesn't, leave him."

**_It felt wrong._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna say something here, but I have no idea what I was even going to say to begin with.... So here's an update at midnight. Uhhhhhhhhh yea. I'll get around to the tags when I remember them. 
> 
>  
> 
> Uhhhhhh
> 
>  
> 
> Lol I had to go back and reread the stuff with Marcy in it because I completely forgot what her character base was, and I kinda just realized that se wasn't necessarily the one that was supposed to be the best friend, but I guess she is now. Yay. Sorry. I don't think she actually cusses as much as she did in this chapter but uhhh yea.... Authors mistake. Yay.


	12. It's over.

It felt so, so wrong.  
It wasn't what I wanted it to be anymore.  
I was just grasping at strings of something that faded months ago. Grasping at the slipping hope that something can remain the same.  
But it won't. It'll never be the same as it was months before the argument that sent me tumbling into the river. I'll never feel that way with Ash, or quite possibly anybody, again.  
All of that's going to be gone. Technically already is gone.  
But what else am I supposed to do? Ash isn't happy anymore. I'm not making him happy anymore. I'm not happy with him anymore. Sure, maybe it's a mutual thing, this unhappiness with each other, but that doesn't mean it's not going to _hurt_ when it all ends. He's all I've had for three years, he was all my happiness, I gave him everything I had, everything I was.  
Even though its so wrong, and just creates so much unhappiness between us, I don't want to break up. I don't want to leave him, but I also want him to be happy, and that's not going to happen with me.  
Fat, hot sad tears pooled from my eyes as the bathroom floor tilted beneath me. The disgusting swirling pool of chunky green, red and yellow vomit seemed to laugh at me as more fought its way up my throat. I sobbed as I leaned away from the toilet and closed the lid, flushing the sludge down the drain. The shower was running next to me, water hitting the floor of the tub in a cascade of tiny droplets that sprayed me where I sat. Soap still clung to my skin from when I'd hopped out to puke up my dinner. 

A knock on the door was somehow louder than the shower beside me, and the screaming pain of my own thoughts. "Hey Reggie? Are you alright in there?" Marcy asked from behind the door. I coughed, and wiped my nose with some toilet paper.  
How did I get here again?  
"Reggie?"  
"Yea, I'm fine." I tried to keep my voice from shaking, but I could hear how pathetic I sounded.  
"Alright... well, hurry up, we've got a series to start." I could almost hear her walk away if I tried, and trying was just a bad idea. The side of my head began to pound, and it felt like my brain was trying to claw it's way out of my skull.  
After vomiting nothing but fluids up, I climbed back into the shower and reapplied the body wash to my scrubber. I felt even more disgusting than I did a few hours ago. More disgusting than when I'd had sex with Ash. I couldn't wash the feeling away, and it hurt to scrub my skin raw.  
My tears mixed with the shower water as it changed from lukewarm to cold. I turned the shower off when I began to shiver. The pounding in my head, which had receded for a few minutes, came back again as I stepped out of the tub and began to dry myself off. 

 

Marcy was standing in the kitchen, watching the microwave as popcorn began to pop. She looked over and smiled. "There you are. Feeling better?" She was quieter than her usual loud southern personality. I shrugged and she sighed. "Go sit on the couch. I've got some tea going so I'll bring it over when it's finished, then we can talk about what you're going to do b'cause God knows you won't do it yourself." I almost laughed at how right she was, but I just grimaced and walked over to the couch, and hugged one of the multicolored pillows too my chest.  
To be perfectly honest, I could just be over reacting about this whole sex thing and loving my boyfriend. It could just be my period talking, because that lovely time of the month has decided to punch me in the gut and wherever else it could reach. But I don't think it is... I'm not usually over-emotional during my periods. And this is definitely over-emotional. 

A cup of tea was gently shoved into my hands as the couch dipped by my feet. "So, you went with the plan, and didn't get the desired results." She began.  
"I could just be over reacting," I mumbled, and she knew what I was talking about, it was easy to tell with the look on her face.  
"Sweetie, you weren't on your period last week, this can't be an over reaction."  
Does it ever annoy you when people make valid points that you don't want to believe because they hurt?  
"Besides! Look at you! You're a complete mess!" She motioned to me, and I had to admit that she had a point but...  
"Isn't that a good thing though? Being a mess over the one you love..?"  
"That's different! You don't love him. And you're an _unhappy_ mess. This isn't the type of 'oh he probably doesn't like me that way' beginnings of a relationship!" She'd gotten on her feet and was sort of pacing around the living room, except that the bunny-lady was actually straightening things out while she talked. "This is where you realize you're unhappy and that he's not good for you. You shouldn't be crying and throwing up in the shower if he's good for you."  
The tea was starting to get colder as I started to sip at it while Marcy ranted on about my relationship and how I should end it. She was probably right, I mean, I don't want to lose him... But it might be all that I can do now. More tears began to form as I rolled it over in my head. It felt like someone was trying to crush my chest by coiling a snake around it or something.  
It sucks when you know something is real, but you also have the gut feeling that they don't want to continue and that its over soon. Putting those two together creates more pain than someone should have to endure. Knowing something is about to end and its essentially their fault because they weren't good enough. They weren't good enough to make the one they love happy, they weren't good enough to feta chance to fix it, because the other person didn't want it to be fixed. The choice was never mine to begin with. It may be a real feeling for me, and I may love him with all I have, but he doesn't love me anymore and I'm not what he wants anymore. The choice wasn't mine, it was his and I got no say from the very beginning. We may have tried again, but it just won't work because he's not into it and he's not happy and he's... He's Ash. And Ash isn't mine anymore.  
I look up from my tea when I hear Marcy's back pop. She sighed and shook her head. "I'm going to the bathroom. If the pizza comes, can you get it?" Pizza? When did she order that? I nodded as she walked away.  
Not even a second after I hear the bathroom door close, I hear the door buzzer go off. I get up and grab the twenty off the table and leave the apartment to go down to the door. Pizza mans here with a box of pizza and a bag that looks like it might have soda and something else in it. He's looking down at the sticker on the box when I open the door, and he looks up with his mouth open before we both pause.  
.....  
Since when was Ash a pizza delivery guy...?  
"Oh uh hi Reggie, didn't know you were here" his forehead creased underneath his hat, and he frowned. "Is everything okay? You look like you've been crying...."  
I shrug and look at the ground. "I uh... I wanted to talk to you.. But I want the pizza first..."  
"Oh right, total is $21.45" I handed him a $20 and a $5 as he handed me the pizza. "Okay, what did you want to talk about?"  
"I.... We're... We're over, Ash... I'm breaking up with you.." I looked him in the eye when I spoke, and tried to not start crying. It was a little harder to not start crying when there was no... emotion in his eyes when he answered. He wasn't affected at all... At least not that I could see. He just nodded, said "okay" and then turned around and left. He didn't try to fight back.  
It was his decision to begin with. It always was.  
I turned back around and went up to the apartment, locking the door when I closed it. Marcy was on the couch with a thing of napkins next to her. She looked up and smiled, "'ey look at that, there's food."

A new tv show was started, and I felt strangely empty for a good long time before I could even begin to relax into the environment.  
It was over. For good.  
There was no going back from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much a compilation of my fucked up mistakes  
> Well, not really, more of all the feelings around those mistakes and why I feel so dead and empty inside. But I didn't really get a choice, and it's not my fault because I'm not the one who made the decision.   
> I'm sorry for taking an eternity to update


	13. *vomits*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING  
> SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN THIS CHAPTER  
> BE SAFE AND READ AT OWN RISK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I found the beginning of this chapter that'd I'd started writing ages ago and thought it was chapter 12 and was like "holy shit I need to rewrite chapter 12 this is terrible" but really it was chapter 13 lol

I vomited into the toilet and whimpered when it was done.  
It hurt so so bad, I didn't understand why. Why did it hurt so bad to be alone? Why did it hurt so bad to the point I cried till I threw up whatever was in my stomach, or sat here and dry heaved for what seemed like hours? This was supposed to be a good thing wasnt it? Me breaking up with Ash? It was supposed to e a good choice, it was supposed to make things feel a little better agin.  
But it didn't. Everything just hurt so much MORE. I cried for hours after the movie ha ended that night, and here I am, a week later, cryin my eyes out in Marcy's bathroom again.  
Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't it all just STOP!?  
Another wave of nausea came over me as the familiar thoughts of trying to make everything stop filled my mind, I bent over the toilet and threw up more stomach acid and spit. I could make all of this stop, and this time, nobody would truly miss me. I didn't have anyone legitimately tying me down, though, I didn't technically have anyone last time either....  
I could get up, walk out of this apartment, and leave. I could walk down to the river, and climb over the railing again. Let go again, fall into the depths of the river and wait until that very last moment when you're drowning and your head feels like it is about to explode, that very last moment before you open your mouth and let the water in. Stretch and Alphys wouldn't be there to save me this time.... Nobody would.  
I could stop feeling this. I could stop being in pain. I could stop rethinking y decision and wondering were everything went wrong and what I did wrong and what was wrong with me that led all of this to happen. But I know. Everything was wrong with me. I wasn't who he needed and wanted and loved. 

I pulled the toilet lid down, and flushed the bilge away as I leaned against the bathtub. My nose, throat and mouth burned from the amount of stomach acid that had forced its way up. My stomach felt like an empty pit in my gut. A headache began to form across the expanse of my temples, searing themselves into my head and making it feel like my brain was trying to claw it's way out.  
My tears dried on my face, finally. After however long that was, it felt okay to stop crying. Though, my eyes felt itchy and puffy, and my face felt dry where the tears had left their trails.

I slowly pulled myself up to my feet and to the sink, washing my face with cold water to make it less red and splotchy, and to make my eyes stop swelling. My tired reflection stared back at me, my green eyes seemed darker than usual, and I snickered as I remembered the old thing I used to hear from people.  
"The eyes are the window to the soul."  
If the eyes were the window, then my soul was dark and cloudy and sad. Not to mention possibly GREEN. 

I left the bathroom after brushing my teeth and rinsing my mouth out, stepping into the living room and looking around for Marcy. The bunny monster wasnt anywhere to be seen, and I sighed. Without her, I had no idea what to watch, especially since everything I did watch, was with her, and she would get a little upset if I continued watching without her.  
My thoughts returned to the bridge, and the river beneath it. I could go for a walk, and stand there. Not jump. Just watch the water, and stop thinking about Ash. Stop thinking about all the pain he causes me. Stop thinking about the fight that led him to yelling "then why don't you just kill yourself" at me.  
I grabbed my jacket from the guest (aka my room) room and pulled it on while checking for my keys and wallet. Once I made sure I had both, I grabbed the umbrella Stretch had given me the week I'd broken up with Ash, and pulled the wristband around my wrist, before leaving and going outside into the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyuyyyyyy  
> I'm back with a chapter  
> Tho it's kinda short  
> I fell out of writing for a while  
> And now I feel like writing things again  
> And this is really kind of a fic I'd started with emotional turmoil and that's where it all came from  
> Soooo  
> Yea  
> Back to that again  
> Yayyyyyyyy  
> *please note sarcasm, this shit isn't fun  
> Anyways  
> Yea  
> In writing again  
> Shitll be slow tho  
> So be patient  
> And the quality will get better  
> And shit will get better  
> I love you guys and thanks for being patient during my unplanned "hiatus"


	14. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's too loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts  
> Be safe while you read please

Rain pounded against the umbrella I held above me, bouncing and rolling off the edges, splashing on the ground. It didn't seem to do much, my shoes were soaked through, water was crawling up the fibers of my pants as I walked, and there was this one spot on the top of my head that kept getting wet. Maybe the umbrella has a hole in it?  
I walked along the empty streets, my feet splashing in the puddles as the quiet “shhhh” of cars driving by echoed around my. It was peaceful. Too peaceful. Almost seemed like I was the only one in the world that actually existed. It was…. Unsettling… and lonely.  
I kept walking, slowly making my way through town to the river with the bridge. The world continued to keep moving, paying no mind to me as I walked across crosswalks at busy lights, never looking either way. My feet seemed to be on autopilot as I stared at them hitting the sidewalk. The steady “tap-slapt” kept me grounded as concrete turned to asphalt, and again to concrete, until it turned to the fancy stone that made up the bridge I seemed to spend a lot of time at.  
I folded my arms against the cold, wet metal railing, and looked out over the edge of the bridge, staring down at the dark watery depths of the river. I could still feel water from the umbrella dripping onto My head, and my feet were still soaked and freezing, and water had crawled even farther up the fibers of my pant legs, reaching almost up to my knees. Needless to say, I was shivering in the cold against the railing as I watched the rain hit the river below.  
It was quiet, and nobody walked past me on the bridge. I could no longer here any cars out on the roads making quiet “shhhhhhhhs” with their tires on the wet asphalt…  
If I were being honest, I hate the silence….  
The silence is…. A pressure. It's a very heavy, and loud pressure, and the longer its there, the heavier and louder it becomes, until everything else that could possibly be there just…. Disappears and fades into the darkness past the depths of my reach, past the point of trying to get it back until something breaks the silence, lifts the pressure.  
But… what's worse about the silence, is that it gives room to think. By forcing everything to disappear, it creates an unguarded and empty void in the mind that could be filled by absolutely anything in the world. And the things that take up that empty and unguarded void, are things that shouldn’t in the bright of day, and are dormant till the dead of night when everyone is asleep and I’m alone and can’t say anything, can’t scream for someone to break the silence,, can’t break the silence myself….  
Not even the steady “drip drip drip” of the rain seemed to break the silence, only adding to the pressure as the water droplets fell from the sky and soaked the silent world around me. Not even the steady “sound” of falling rain could stop the demons from crawling out of their personal corners of my mind and heart.  
They wrapped around my brain, my heart, my lungs, my entire fucking being as I stared out over the railing at the water flowing beneath it, and suddenly…

_Jump._

It was like a loud voice had invaded my mind and had given me a single command, and if anyone had been around to hear the “What?” that left my mouth, they would’ve looked at me funny.

_You..... Should jump._

“Why?” I mumbled. Hadn’t I come here to not think about that? To just…. Stand here and watch the water?

_You said so yourself…_

**Nobody would truly miss you.**

And just like that, there were voices echoing through my head, repeating everything over and over again, repeating everything I’ve said in the past few weeks. Everything negative thing that came to my mind whenever I was not okay in any form of the word.

_Do it_  
**Jump**  
_**Disappear**_ _There’s nobody here that would miss you_  
**What’s the point of staying if you’re just going to be in pain the entire time?**  
_**You won’t find happiness again**_  
_Who were you kidding?_  
**You were never happy anyways**  
_**Just do it**_  
_Jump_  
**And disappear forever _._**

I couldn’t breathe anymore.  
I couldn’t separate the demons from my own thoughts anymore.  
Everything blended together.  
The silence was too loud, they were _too **LOUD**_.

I could feel the rain hitting my head, my shoulders, my back, I could feel the rain soaking into my socks, my pants, my shirt, everything was wet. I couldn’t breathe.  
I couldn’t hear anything.  
All I could see was the dark water of the river below me, and the bridge.  
Was the water on my face from the rain?  
Or am I crying?  
I…  
I can’t tell the difference.  
I can’t tell between the voices in my own head, the water on my face,  
At this point…. Was any of this even real? Or was this just, non existent and I’m really dead now? 

I was cold. It was silent. Too silent. The silence was loud. Too loud. There was pressure. Too much. Was this even real? What was breathing? Too loud…. T o o L o u d Hands hurt. Knees hurt. Eyes burn. Someone… A n y o n e Break the silence. Make it stop… 

_You can make it stop_

No…

**Get up and climb over the railing**

I don’t really want to do that…..

_**That’s how you make it stop** _   
_That’s how you make us go away_

…..

**Permanently.**

There was too much pressure.  
Too much weighing you down.  
Just…  
Too much…  
Of everything…..  
Too loud  
Too silent  
Too much pressure  
Too many voices  
Too many feelings  
Too many textures  
Too many things  
Too many things touching me- I’m touching?  
Too many  
Too many  
Too cold  
Too many  
Too wet  
Too **much**

I can’t breathe….

Is it possible to drown in silence?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wh-whats this???  
> an update???  
> yea... yea i think it is....
> 
> anyways, yea im back? i think? i didnt die if any of you were wondering  
> life just stopped being as shitty as it used to be? though its still pretty shitty  
> im trying to get back into the habit of writing, so you can hopefully expect more updates coiming soon
> 
> anyways, love you guys, and be safe for the holidays


	15. And then the world literally dropped out from beneath our feet

“I don’t know if I should be surprised to see you here again, or worried cause you're here again.”

It shattered.  
The silence, was shattered.  
Everything came back in a rush, colors slamming back together, sounds becoming louder, and the presence besides me became more definite.  
I lifted my head off the railing, looking at who was beside me. I knew who it was. That stupid voice had given it away the second the silence was shattered and the weight disappeared.   
The skeleton stared down at me, holding the umbrella that I had when I got here above the both of us. I guess I dropped it? That would at least explain why I’m soaked?  
I smiled up at him tiredly, “Hey Stretch, how’s it goin’?”  
“I’m doing alright. Water you up to?”  
I snorted and shrugged, “I don’t really know anymore…. What time is it?”  
“Time for you to get a watch.”  
“C’mon, thats old, I thought you could do better than that,” I laughed as he crouched down next to me, keeping the umbrella over the both of us. He pulled his phone out and turned the screen on.  
7:12pm April 28th 20XX.  
“It’s pretty much dinner time from the looks of it,” Stretch said. His brother was probably cooking again like he normally did.  
“Well in that case I should probably start heading back home.” I pulled myself to my feet using the bar, swinging forward a little bit when I was up, catching a glimpse over the edge before Stretch’s hand pulled me back by my shoulder. I glanced at him, and was slightly scared by the serious empty eyesocket look he was giving me. Did he… I chuckled quietly to myself and shook my head. Nah, he wouldn’t have.  
“Why don’t you come have dinner with me and my bro, Reggie? He’d love to have you over, and…” his eyelights returned as I turned to fully look at him. “I think you still owe me a game night?” He grinned with a wink. I laughed, of course, how could I have forgotten that I had promised to play video games with him a while back and then ditched him for the dude I broke up with not too long after.  
“Yea sure, that works” I said with a smile.  
He stepped to the side and did a dramatic bow before straightening and offering his arm, “Then let us be off!” he grinned and I took his arm.  
And then the world literally dropped out from beneath our feet.


	16. Chapter 16

The world dropped out from beneath our feet and I felt weightless as I closed my eyes and clinged to Stretch’s arm.  
Less than three seconds later, there was ground under our feet again, and I opened my eyes to the inside of his house. My eyes widened and I gasped, letting go of his arm, “What the- how did- what just happened?” I turned around and pointed at him, “What did you do?”  
He grinned and shrugged, “Just took a shortcut is all, sorry I didn’t warn ya before I did.” He walked past me and flopped onto the couch. “Hey bro, I’m back and brought a friend!” He called over his shoulder into the kitchen. From where I was standing, I could definitely smell the tacos that were begin made. Berry peaked his head out from inside the kitchen, and I waved, “Hey Berry, how ya doin?” His eyelights brightened as his smile grew.  
“Reggie! I didn’t know you were coming over today!”  
“To be fair,” I giggled, “neither did I, but Stretch insisted seeing as I still owe him a game night.” I shrugged as he bounced where he stood. He seemed excited as he left to hurry and finish making dinner. I shook my head as I sat on the couch Stretch was sitting on.  
“So, wait for dinner or start playing something now?” he asked.  
“Mmm… I don’t know, it’s your house, you should pick.”  
“My house, my rules,” he joked, “You pick.”  
“Fine then, we wait for dinner and then pick something.” I huffed.  
He grinned and nodded. “Alrighty then, while we wait, would ya mind telling me why you were sitting at the bridge again?” he lolled his head to the side to look at me and I shrugged, finding the threads of the couches armrest to be more interesting. He didn’t take his eyelights off me, and somewhere deep inside, I knew there was no way out of this, he’d ask later if I didn’t answer now.  
I shrugged, “No real reason, just felt like sitting there and watching the water.”  
“And getting rained on?”  
“Guess so.”  
“Reggie, I… I know a lie when I see one.” I winced. “I’m only asking because I’m worried about you. Every time I’ve seen you at the bridge, I’m either pulling you out of the water, or wondering if I’m gonna have to pull you out again….”  
I inspected the couch as he continued to talk, blocking out his voice as I felt the concern coming off of him.

_I pulled myself to my feet using the bar, swinging forward a little bit when I was up, catching a glimpse over the edge before Stretch’s hand pulled me back by my shoulder. I glanced at him, and was slightly scared by the serious empty eyesocket look he was giving me._

That moment replayed itself in my head, seemingly coming from every possible angle, fabricating a view of myself from every other angle expect through my own eyes. HIs stance, his grip, the empty eyesockets, everything was amplified and the subconscious process of analyzing the memory began. I could pick out every bit of concern from it.  
The replay was paused.

_“I’m only asking because I’m worried about you.”._

I turned my head to look at Stretch, everything was blurry and out of focus.  
He was _worried_.  
_Concerned_.  
About me.  
“ie…. Reggie can you hear me?”  
His face came into focus, and the genuine concern on his face that I was able to see, almost made me cry.  
“Yea, yea, I can hear you…. Sorry, I kind of spaced out for a minute there.” I scratched my head.  
“Nah, I think you may have been gone for a little more than a minute buddy…” he sighed. “Well, doesn’t matter how long its been anyways. Dinner’s ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof i just realized this fic has been up for a little over a year holy fuck, happy new year nerds


	17. Promise me somethin'?

I sat on the stool behind the register and stared at the clock above the door. One would think that it would be busier now that school was back in session and all the students had returned to town, but today was the slowest day that I’ve had to sit through since the beginning of the year. To make it worse, it was Monday, and Mondays are usually the busiest of the week. So either something really interesting is happening when it’s lunch time, or monster restaurants are being boycotted. It most likely isn’t the latter since that hasn’t happened in a long while, and probably won’t happen again by the looks of it.   
I looked behind me at the kitchen door. It was quieter than usual, so they probably weren’t baking anything, which was absolutely fine since nobody was coming in and buying what was already made. I would probably end up bringing some things with me when my shift was up.   
Time dragged his legs as I got up and made myself my usual coffee, paying for it when I was done, and moving to sit on the floor. I slowly frank the coffee, staring at the floor and the spiders skittering around, cleaning up every speck of dirt and dust as it touched the ground. They crawled around my feet, over my legs, and up my shoes, picking dirt and dust off as the moved. It was interesting to see spiders be so OCD and to be such clean freaks that they would clean off the bottoms of my shoes.   
Soon, staring at spiders became boring, and my empty cup was stolen from beside me by one of the larger spiders that ran around. I sighed and leaned my head against the cupboard behind me, closing my eyes and hoping that time would fly faster and that someone wouldn’t walk in now that I was comfortable on the floor. Though, knowing my luck, there would be someone in a few minutes, so I stayed ready to get up while being comfortable.  
My stomach grumbled at me as I sat with my eyes closed. I was hungry, really hungry… but that could wait a while longer.  
I yawned as I waited for the bell to jingle, and it gradually became harder and harder to focus on listening for the noise. My stomach hurt, and my head was throbbing. When even was the last time I had eaten something?  
“Reggie darling, you can go now. I’m going to close up shop early today.” Muffet said as she came out of the kitchen. I shook my head to wake myself up as I looked up at her.   
“Alright Muffet, see you tomorrow I guess,” I said as I got of the floor and dusted of my pants. I went around the counter and grabbed my stuff off the hook coat stand by the door. Stretch came out behind Muffet as she counted the money in the register.   
“Hey Regg, you doin’ anything today?” Stretch asked as the two of us left together.  
“No, I don’t think so. Pretty sure I don’t have anything planned. Why?” I glanced at him as we walked down to the bus stop. He shrugged.  
“Eh, no reason in particular, thought we could do somethin’ today if you wanted to?”  
“Sure,” I said with a smile. “What’d you have in mind?”  
He shrugged, “Eh, y’know, little bit of this, lil bit of that. Whatever comes naturally,” he shrugged again when he finished. I nodded.  
“Alright then, if that’s the case, what would come naturally at this moment?”  
“Mmm I don’t know, kinda feelin’ like eatin’ a pack of cookies.”  
“Well then, lets go buy a pack of cookies.”

The two of us continued on, following whatever whim came our way, and it eventually ended up with the two of you chillin in the park as the sun went down. The stars were beginning to peak through the blue of the sky, and the two of us watched as they all came out and said hello. It was silent between the two of us as we laid there and watched the sky. I almost felt like it was too silent, but in the name of company, I pushed the demons away and focused on the time at hand.  
“How you doin?” he asked quietly.  
“I’m alright, how about you?”  
“I’m good… you sure you doin’ alright?”  
“Yea, I’m fine. Why?”  
“Mmmmm… I just worry ‘bout you sometimes.”  
“Thats dumb.”  
“Why’s that?”  
“Why’d you wanna worry ‘bout me?”  
“”Cause you’re my friend, and I worry ‘bout my friends.”  
“You sure it’s not just because the first time you met me you were pulling me out of a river?”  
He sat up and crossed his legs, “Of course that’s part of it! I pulled my friend out of a river the first day I met them, and now everytime I see you at that damned bridge I think you’re going to jump again, and then I think about, what if I wasn’t there that time and you jumped and then we had to go to your funeral? I’d feel so guilty because I could’ve caught you, and helped you and…” I sat up as he paused with a sigh. “Everytime I see you at that bridge, I panic, ‘cause I know what it’s like to want to just end it all, and you’re the kindest person I’ve met in a while, and you don’t deserve to feel like that, and you don’t deserve an ending like that.”  
I sat there and stared at him as he scratched his neck. He… almost sounded like Alex…. I sighed. I didn’t like hurting people, especially not with my own actions or words. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say in this situation. He sat there, leaning on his hands as he looked at the sky.   
I sighed, “If… me going to the bridge gives you anxiety that I’m going to try again… uhm… and I’m your friend… what would you like me to do instead? To lessen your anxiety, and to maybe help me not think about slipping over the railing….” I looked over at him and he was watching me.  
“You… you gotta promise me somethin…. Call me. Or Berry. Even if it’s like, three in the morning or something, call one of us instead of walking down to the bridge. One of us will answer you, no matter what time of day it is, or what we’re doing.”  
I nodded, “I….” don’t think I could do that…. “Okay… I can try.”  
He smiled, and I could think that it reached his eyes as I smiled back at him, feeling warmth in my chest as we switched topics to something else, and relaxed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK  
> IVE KIND OF  
> SLIGHTLY  
> FORGOTTEN WHAT THE FUCK I WAS DOING WITH THIS  
> SHIT  
> okay... okay.... ya'll'll have to deal with me improvising a bit  
> cuz like, ive forgotten the plot i had, but ive got the ending still in my head, so thats good... yea  
> youll have to deal with some improvision and fluff and some shitty chapters


	18. It's not so bad now, is it?

I laid on the kitchen floor as the TV in the living room played some documentary about aliens. Everything seemed to be slowing down around me, and it was getting hard to focus on the words from the TV as it talked. I shifted onto my back and relaxed when the bones around my pelvis popped into place. The oven door was open, letting it’s warm air pollute the kitchen and spread around to warm myself up. It was unusually cold today, and I think something may be wrong with the AC and heating units since yesterday was unbearably hot. It was roughly two in the morning, and I had been having trouble sleeping, so I came to the kitchen for a cup of tea, and the didn’t feel like actually getting off the floor, so I had laid down.  
It wouldn’t be too bad to sleep right here. Everything was already slowing down, and I was pretty warm as it was, as well as comfortable. I closed my eyes as the TV continued talking.

I laid in a field of flowers, the circle of dead ones around me was almost 10 feet in diameter.   
“So, it seems as though someone has found something that they can live for?” the man in black clothes that reminded you of death asked from above me.  
“I don’t know what you mean?”  
“I mean that I shouldn’t have to see you at my doorstep for a while now? Surely you wouldn’t want to leave him or your other friends behind.”  
“I just don’t want to hurt anyone….”  
“And that, Ms. Gremil, is why I choose you.” he said with a laugh, I sat up and turned around to look at him in confusion.  
“I don’t know what you mean? And I don’t know who you are either.”  
He shrugged, “I don’t really remember who I am either. Now, don’t forget about that paper in your pocket,” he smiled. “And enjoy the life you’ve got while you have it. Otherwise you’ll sit around regretting not taking the chance to enjoy it when you die.” he turned and began walking away. I got to my feet and followed after him, trying to keep up and not kill any flowers as he got further and further away.  
“Wait! Who are you? And what the hell is that supposed to mean?” I tripped over a tangle of flowers and fell to the ground. When I had managed to get up, he was nowhere in sight. All that was in sight was the field of flowers, and the trees ringing around it.   
I groaned and turned back around, starting to walk in the field of flowers, trying to find the ring of dead noes I had woken up in, but no matter how long or how far I walked, I couldn’t find it.   
I laid down in a new spot and closed my eyes. It was so peaceful here, so calm, so nice, I could stay here forever if I had the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea this is a short chapter, but at least you got two in one day lol, even if ive forgotten the main plot

**Author's Note:**

> If there's any strange typos and/or words, please share in the comments. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Apparently I'm continuing because it was too tempting.......


End file.
